Deep Listening
A Reflection on Thich Nhat Hanh's Four Mantras
for Compassionate Communication
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh is a global spiritual leader, poet, and peace activist renowned for his powerful teachings and bestselling books on mindfulness and peace. A gentle, humble monk, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. called him "an Apostle of peace and nonviolence" when nominating him for the Nobel Peace Prize. Affectionately referred to as Thay ("teacher" in Vietnamese) by his students, his profound and tender teachings have illuminated my spiritual journey.
I discovered Thay while watching YouTube excerpts of Oprah Winfrey's Super Soul Sunday series. His guidance on deep listening transformed how I listen and communicate with myself and others. Thay teaches us that listening is a powerful tool to help ease the suffering of our beloved ones. By genuinely opening ourselves up to their words and experiences, we can create a space of healing and compassion. Thay says, "Deep listening is the kind of listening that can help relieve the other person's suffering. You can call it compassionate listening. You listen with only one purpose, to help him or her to empty his heart.”
During his interview with Oprah, Thay offered four mantras of true presence. A mantra is a sacred word or phrase that can change our consciousness and shift our perspective. By reciting a mantra, we can expand our awareness and foster compassion.
First Mantra: Darling, I am here for you.
Whether it's a child, spouse, co-worker, parent, or friend, our presence is the greatest gift we can offer. It's easy to get distracted by other things and only half-listen, but when we consciously try to be fully there in mind, body, and heart, we can genuinely connect with the other person. With this mantra, we can look into his or her eyes and offer our whole, undivided attention and open heart.
Thay says, “When you love someone, the best thing you can offer him or her is your full presence. How can you love if you are not there? You offer him or her your true presence. You are not preoccupied with the past or the future. You are for your beloved one.”
Second Mantra: Darling, I know you are there. And I am so happy.
When someone chooses to confide in us, they trust us with their vulnerability. Try to resist the urge to pass judgment or offer advice in those moments. Instead, offer a kind and accepting ear. While it's natural to want to draw on our own experiences, it's important to remember that this is their story and their pain. By simply listening and showing empathy, we can ease their burden and provide them with the support they need.
Thay shares, “Because you are truly there, you recognize the presence of your beloved one as something very precious. Embrace your beloved one with mindfulness, and she will bloom like a flower. To be loved is to be recognized as existing.”
Third Mantra: Darling, I know you suffer; that is why I am here for you.
This mantra is helpful when someone we care about is going through a difficult time. It could be a child, parent, partner, or friend. Our role is to listen with empathy and show unconditional support, even when we don't have all the answers. Providing a safe and accepting space for our loved ones to express their emotions can help them feel less alone and more supported.
Thay reminds us, “When you are mindful, you notice when the person you love suffers. If we suffer and if the person we love is not aware of our suffering, we will suffer even more. Just practice deep breathing, then sit close to the one you love and say, ‘Darling, I know you suffer. That is why I am here for you.’ Your presence alone will relieve a lot of his or her suffering. No matter how old or young you are, you can do it.”
Fourth Mantra: Darling, I suffer. I am trying my best to practice. Please help me.
Expressing the fourth mantra can be difficult, particularly when we believe someone we care about has hurt us. In such situations, we may feel the urge to punish our loved ones by withdrawing from them and giving in to negative emotions like anger, loneliness, or resentment. However, we do not have to face this struggle alone.
Thay compassionately says, “Only five words, but many people cannot say it because of the pride in their heart. If anyone else had said or done that to you, you would not suffer so much, but because it was the person you love, you feel deeply hurt. You want to go to your room and weep. But if you really love him or her, when you suffer like that, you have to ask for help. You must overcome your pride.”
Remember that we're never alone in our struggles. By listening to those around us and being open to honest communication, we can help ourselves and contribute to healing those we love. If you’d like to read more about listening mindfully and expressing your fullest and most authentic self, I recommend The Art of Communicating by Thich Nhat Hahn.
